What I want all you to take from this Special Edition is that no matter what happens tomorrow and next Tuesday, this is not the End, it is barely the beginning. Don’t freak, don’t pack up for Canada, because they are pretty clear on the subject, they’re sorry, Canada is full, SORRY! Nothing is said and done until the last votes are counted in November so even if, EVEN if, we wind up with some frankly unbelievable shit happening, like a Sanders versus Trump ticket do NOT PANIC. We can fix it. If worse comes to worse, Nanny Bloomberg will come to save us all! What, I am not letting that guy be President, if Bloomberg runs I will vote for Trump, sure he’s a xenophobic racist who is mentally unhinged, but at least he won’t try to moralize about the size of my fucking soda! FUCK Bloomberg!
Iowa is too small, too rural and too white to even come close to reflecting the America these jackoffs running for office are even PRETENDING to represent. Hell, the Iowa Caucus doesn’t accurately represent IOWA! The voters, well not voters but the delegate representatives, must be physically present to be counted, no absentee ballots, so if you have a night job, or the tractor broke down on the back 40 and you had to walk back to the farmhouse and don’t make it to the caucus, fuck you, you’re out. This is the first year that members of the military, you know the people out there defending democracy, could participate via a video link! 2016! So, your average Iowa caucus voter is VERY white, and very middle class, you know the kind of people who have jobs that let out at 5 PM. That leaves out the cashiers at the Wal-Mart, the chicken pluckers at the Tyson plants, the cops, firemen, nurses and doctors, the janitors, the street sweepers, gas station attendants, Merle down at the Stop and Shop who always let you buy beer without and ID, the kind of people that someone like Sarah Palin would probably call Real Americans, so long as they were white, which Iowa, they are.
Weather is serious, weather REPORTING is NOT. Weather REPORTING is the hysterical response of glory seeking reporter wannabes who can take a molehill of a storm turn into mountain of Oh Shit We’re All Gonna Die. Hurricane Sandy was a big fucking deal, and it fucked up the Eastern Seaboard—but from the hyperbolic reportage leading up to the storm, you would we needed Bruce Willis on a space shuttle. Can we please have a little perspective in our reporting?
Cruz was, to the long term Republicans, the new guy who shows up on the first day, no idea what the company even fucking makes and starts telling everyone how his novel method for producing black rubber dicks his WAY better than how they, Rubber Dick Craftsmen, who have only been making this obscenely sized latex phallus for YEARS, were previously producing their dongs. Instead of trying to win over the line foreman, this guy goes up the boss in his office and kisses his ass—because you know MurraY’s never really been about making the dicks, just selling them, and BOOM—the entire dick plant is shut down when the molds blow out even after they TOLD Ted the Throbbinator Molds cannot exceed nine inches! Production deadlines are missed, the entire dick factory gets shut down and moved to China and everyone loses their job, except Ted, who already leveraged his innovative ideas at Fleshlight distributor in Omaha—fuck you Ted, they were feeding their family off those dicks and now they have to get jobs at the Wal-mart!
Up in Oregon, Cliven’s boy Ammon is leading the occupation of federal bird sanctuary near Burns Oregon population 2,086 or roughly one New York City elevator car between 5:30 and 5:45 PM. Bud Bundy’s Citizens for Constitutional Freedom are protesting, say they won’t leave until all the Federal lands in the West are returned to state and local control. The Federal government control 28% of all the land in the United States and it almost entirely located in the West. Most of it used for dead alien storage. A lot of this land, and I’ve seen it—have you SEEN American between the Western Rockies and the Sierra? Hundreds of miles of flat, empty featureless terrain, too hot in the Summer WAY too cold in the Winter, there are exactly two reason why one would live there: your people were placed there by the US Government after committing acts of genocide on your people, or your military profession is in some way related to nuclear weapons or storing dead aliens. If there were ANYTHING there worth having, the government would’ve sold this land off to the highest bidder a LONG time ago, so unless there is market for sagebrush and rattlesnake shit, this land is essentially worthless for anything other than grazing herd animals or testing crashed spaceship.