February 2016 – What the Hell Were You Thinking

Episode 49: Useless as an Asshole on an Elbow

What I cannot figure out is why the Republicans are so dead set on playing ping pong with a live hand grenade. Their party is a fucking shambles, their presidential front runner is a shriveled orange schlong proudly waving itself in the voters faces like a pervert on the subway, their Last Best Hope is a underachieving do nothing whose Congressional record is less impressive the reboot I wrote for After MASH starring Brian Doyle Murray as Col Potter and actually Jamie Farr as Klinger—dude needs work. (After Mash) These people have not had a new idea since Reagan last bowel movement in the Oval Office Shitter and probably have THAT encased in Lucite in McConnell’s office. I KNOW reasonable Republicans exist, I’ve even talked to ONE—admittedly it was on the Internet and he could’ve Catfishing me. Instead of trying to grab for the Center an entire major political party has decided their path to victory is REPEATEDLY grinding the government to halt so they could read Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor. They’ve stopped ever PRETENDING to govern and doubled down on the derp the point I honestly cannot tell if the difference between a Senator who served decades and feral weasel in a flesh suit talking about drowning the Federal government in a toilet bowl.

80 Proof Post Primary

The Tiny Penis of the Republican Party said things that ostensibly should have had him run out of the state on a rail, or hung from a palmetto bug–and still he won. We are rapidly nearing the point where I have no choice but to conclude that his has sworn some kind of pact with the Great Old Ones and is actively working to rouse Dread Cthulhu from his slumber!

Episode 48: Please Clap

Special Edition Number Three. Scalia: If You Can’t Say Something Nice

A lot of Lefties have the fire right now for a dick swinging Liberal firebrand to take Scalia’s place on the Court. Someone who would go in and just kick over every Conservative apple cart that comes before the court the same way Scalia did to us. Except, they are wrong. The BIGGEST insult to Scalia’s legacy in a moderate justice who would take a nuanced view on the issues and vote the merits of the case. If that means we lose some cases, GOOD, because if our cases are bad then we DESERVE to lose. But, if we have someone who has the long term interest of the nation, who truly sees the Constitution as what it IS, an evolving document that changes over time to suit the needs of the governed, then THIS is the antithesis of EVERYTHING Scalia stood for. I don’t want an idealist on the Court I want nuance, intellect, I want a slightly Left of Center Kennedy! I want a way a more Liberal Roberts, who understand the Court is the last bastion of reason and logic in an increasingly illogical system. I want a slightly liberal firewall to block the derp spewing up out of the hinterlands. Because if we don’t get that, if he appoint a Sanders level Liberal to the court, the stress fractures in our political system are going to bust open like the seams of my work pants when I squat down to pick up a quarter on the sidewalk.

Episode 47: I’m Afraid of Americans

Let me put this way, and I preface this for Republicans, because you guys are the WORST. You need a new sales clerk at Elroy’s Gun Hut and Bait Shack. You have two candidate, one guy Billy who worked a Lenny Shoot Shack and Fish Hut in Hooter Holler, he can run the register, won’t steal the meal worms and will show up to work on time. Then you have Cooter Ray Sterling, Cooter is a lifelong member of the NRA, a Bass Pro Shop catalog subscriber and has voted for the most hard core evangelical candidate for dog catcher past 12 elections. He can spend HOURS talking about gun rights but can’t actually tell the difference between a Mauser and a Ruger, and the last time he went fishing it came with hush puppies at captain ds! He tells you he can’t work weekends because he runs a workshop for young Republicans and fundraises for Kill an Abortionist for Christ, but weekends are when you NEED the guy for—what is worse he is actively trying to get a job at the House of Glocks in Benton Crotch where he can network with the county big wigs—which one of these fuckers are you going to hire? Billy right? SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SENDING COOTER TO CONGRESS?

Episode 46: I Know What Boys Like

It’s OK to be passionate about loving Bernie, hell if I were 23 and didn’t know shit about reality I too would be losing my god damned mind over his adamant demand for gulags in the flyover until everyone adheres to a simple socialist message of killing everyone making over 200 thousand dollars a year and splitting their money among the impoverished classed!